(Minister Well Newsletter, August 2017)
My dad was ill for a couple years before he died, in and out of hospitals for months. His hospital rooms and nearby waiting rooms seemed to have revolving doors admitting loved ones from church, our friends and family, and several dear pastors. Dad died knowing that he and his family were loved well here on this earth and in heaven above.
Because of my previous hospital work in palliative care (i.e., care for the dying), I was very accustom to sitting with folks while they or their family member faced death. But it was different when I became one of the family members myself. It was then that I recognized how much people look to the pastor or church representative to comfort them.
Do you find that you dread those hospital or home visits? Do you get all squirmy wondering which verses, platitudes, hug, or even facial expression to offer? Or maybe you are comfortable in these situations but wonder, “How long do I stay?” I was once asked to give a talk with the title of this month’s newsletter – What to Do When You Don’t Know What to Say. Perhaps some tips therein are worth repeating here.
Mind
The single most important thing you can convey is your trust in God despite your inability to explain His plan and purpose. If you come along side another person fully acknowledging that His ways are not our ways and that you are no more of an authority on the mind of God than the person who is suffering, then you will demonstrate empathy, confusion, grief, and tenderness with genuineness in the here-and-now. At the same time, keeping your mind focused on a much bigger picture than the present situation – an eternal perspective – allows you to exhibit and offer a peace and hope that surpasses (defies even) human logic and our finite perspective. In other words, in order to come along someone in their hour of need, you will serve them best by representing your trust and hope and peace in Christ.
Body
There really are no words that will demonstrate Christ’s love more than your sacrificial service can. Each of us has been gifted with ways that we can serve others, so no one is unequipped to grieve with another. Consider these behavioral demonstrations of support, love, and service. Give of your time and presence (e.g., Job’s friends before they opened their mouths; Jesus’ disciplines at Gethsemane). An extremely common perspective of people who are going through hard times is “I want to be with people but I don’t want to talk about IT.” Therefore, your service may be as a calm and quiet presence. But if you simply don’t “do” quiet well, you may give of your talents. For example, two women hosted my parents’ home, receiving meals and cards and people expressing their condolences, while we were away making funeral arrangements. A girlfriend of mine sent a cookie gift basket to our kids, who were out of their element and easily lost in the shuffle. Another sweet friend left a meal in the crockpot and fresh food in my fridge for when we finally came back to our own home. There is another behavior that really should be singled out and I encourage you to give yourself permission – cry with people. If you feel so moved, why not be honest through your tears? Don’t lose yourself or make the grieving person feel like they need to comfort you, but don’t refuse to cry either. “Jesus wept.”
Spirit
Although there are truly no magic words that grief counselors use, Christians are equipped with God’s Word. But, it is crucial that you use this well. If you are going to direct someone to scripture, don’t sound like a bookmark or inscription on a coffee mug. Relate the verse to the individual in the present moment. Often, referencing a shared worldview is meaningful and comforting, such as belief that our loving God is reigning over the situation and promises never to leave. And, that God is not reactive (He is sovereign) and that He welcomes us to come to Him even to rage, weep, or collapse. Another personal example, no one would have asked for our family friend to have a stroke, but God used it to bring her adult children together at her bedside for the first time in many years. She had the most peaceful smile on her face and in her voice in the hours before neurosurgery, as she delighted in her family being together. His ways are not our ways. Prior to surgery we prayed and reminded ourselves that God can do more than we can ask or imagine. Not only is she recovering well from the stroke and neurosurgery, her family was reunited in an unimagined way. So pray with people. Pray with confidence. Pray with gratitude for who He is. Pray with hope.
Challenge
When you don’t know what to say encourage others with your own peace in Christ, with sacrificial service, with God’s character and Word, and with prayer.
Wishing you good health – mind, body, and spirit.
In Him,
Heather Clark, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist, PY 7620