(Minister Well Newsletter, October 2018)
You have incredible power just by being present in the life of another! When my boyfriend-at-the-time was deployed to Dessert Storm, my mom said nothing as she held me through my tears. When my daughter miscalculated her workload and had to stay up into the night to complete an assignment, there was nothing I could do except stay with her while she worked. When the toddler is frightened of the injection they are about to receive, the parent reassures with “Mommy/Daddy is here.” When my mother-in-law was dying and could no longer even maintain lucidity or take medication, the hospice caregiver we hired cared for us by staying up with mom when we slept. When a co-worker or employee unloads about their personal life, the co-worker or boss brings incredible comfort by leaning in and listening. When Job – the biblical poster-child of devastating loss – lost everything, his three friends ministered to him by weeping, tearing their clothes, and sitting silently in the ashes of his life with him.
Mind
Quite often it is not the right time for problem-solving or quoting scripture. The absolute best love that Job’s friends gave to him was demonstrated trough their presence and their silence. In order to do this one needs to have a deep understanding of being humble. C.S. Lewis’ observation on this topic is helpful – “Humility is not thinking less of yourself but thinking of yourself less.” Don’t be the hero or jump into the position of savior. The counseling office provides a not uncommon opportunity to demonstrate this. Professional counselors, just like ministry professionals, are supposed to know what to say or do in the face of emotional upset. So it may seem quite contrary to our job description that many therapists will not offer a tissue to a crying individual. Why? That seems like a common courtesy, right? But here’s the thing. People tend to offer a tissue to ease their own discomfort of seeing someone else cry. Offering the tissue really says “please stop crying, your emotion is making me uncomfortable and I want it to go away when I hand you this tissue.” How about these familiar words, “Big boys don’t cry” or “Girl, fix your makeup”? Wow!! Jesus cried and He came near the broken hearted. Humility means thinking of the other person more. Not my needs, but their needs. The same is true with starting a game of Twenty Questions with someone who is obviously going through something trying. Trust that they will tell you what they want to tell you, if you will only be patient enough to let them get to it their way and in their timing.
Body
What does this mindset of humility look like in action? It is letting the other person lead. Another quote that I hope to always remember from my first graduate class is “let the client lead in the therapeutic dance.” If they want you to pray with or for them, then do. If they need to talk, then listen. But let me tell you a new way to listen than what you may be familiar with. I teach my students to listen actively with curiosity. Do not assume that when someone says “ya know what I mean?” that you do. Instead, ask them to tell you more. Let this be their story. Even if you know the story, ask questions that will encourage the other person to share their heart and thoughts. As shocking as this is, people will very often arrive at fantastic insights without you saving the day for them.
On the other hand, when they need to be silent, don’t fill the silence to pacify your discomfort in the situation. One of my favorite quotes on listening comes from Ralph Waldo Emerson who said, “What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say.” Use your non-verbal listening skills to make your quiet presence clear. For example, sit next to a person rather than across from them. This simple seating choice immediately implies “I’m with you.” Match their volume and rate of speech, so it is clear that you are following their lead. And oh my goodness, please turn your cell phone ringer off and put your phone where you cannot glance at it to see what other “more interesting thing” is seeking your attention.
Spirit
I was once asked to give a speech that I later titled “What to say when you don’t know what to say.” It took me the agreed upon 30 minutes to tell the audience “don’t say, instead do.” I’m so grateful for the example Jesus set for us when he wept at Lazarus’ grave. He did not give a sermonette. He did not pass out tissues. He did not ask a bunch of questions or say something perfectly fitted to the situation. He “did” love and the on-looking Jews said, “See how He loved him” (John 11:36). In the opening remarks of this article, I gave several examples of the ministry of being present. Indeed our presence is powerful! But the absolute best gift we can give our friend, spouse, child, toddler, or a stranger is the peace that we draw from the Comforter. Although it is so nice to have mom near when we skin our knee, have a broken heart, or receive an injection, to know that our God will always be there for us is life changing. I’m reminded of some of God’s words about what we are to do in times of trial -“be still” and “let your gentleness be evident to all.” And both of these verses go on to tell us on what grounds we should exude peace in our behavior and attitude – because “[He] is God” and “the Lord is near” (Psalm 46:10, Philippians 4:5). Does your behavior convey with unshakable confidence to others that the Lord is near and He most definitely is God? Now that would be a powerful ministry of being present!
Challenge
-Practice humility as you listen to others.
-Let the other person lead.
-Use your non-verbal skills to listen actively.
-Let your gentleness be your testimony of God’s steadfastness.
Wishing you good health – mind, body, and spirit.
In Him,
Heather Clark, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist, PY 7620
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