(Minister Well Newsletter, June 2017)
Over a Thai lunch I asked a psychologist, now in full-time vocational ministry, if she still practices formal counseling. She smiled slightly and said “no, but I have a lot of coffee dates.” Her point was that she still meets people for meaningful discussions, but now a shared cup of coffee or a meal is part of that less formal and more intimate interaction. Likewise, when a business associate or potential employer wants to indicate more interest in working with another person an invitation to share a meal is extended. And around the world, when family and friends celebrate holidays or significant events there is food involved. When we choose to eat with other people we are creating an atmosphere conducive to connecting with them in a more meaningfully way.
There is a great deal of eating in scripture from the formality of wedding feasts, to community and religious ceremonies (e.g., The Last Supper), to meals with friends (e.g., Mary & Martha), to feeding the masses. My understanding is that God uses mealtime to connect people to one another and to Him.
Research supports the importance of eating together by telling us how it is beneficial to our relationships, resiliency, and resisting peer pressure. Here are just a few of the advantages. Teens who dine with their families at least 5 times a week are almost 1-½ times less likely to report high levels of stress. [i] Teens who have frequent family dinners are 1-½ times more likely to say they have an excellent relationship with their mother and father. [ii] Those who eat dinner with their families more often are less likely to smoke, drink, or use drugs.[iii] And, dining with friends and family has been shown to increase happiness and help alleviate depression.[iv] Taken together these results seem to indicate that routinely sharing meals with others is psychologically, socially, and physically nourishing. Therefore, just as I am recommending that Ministry Leaders develop this habit, it is also wellness advice that you can share with the flock you care for.
Mind
Now that you know a little more about the benefits of eating with others, how do you make that value into a practical change in your life? Well, before we talk about the “doing” it is always essential to make changes in our thinking. In order to eat with others more often, it is vital that you value that behavior as beneficial and pleasurable. Some of that rationale is found in the previously cited research, and the rest of the justification must come from what you tell yourself about integrating this healthy activity. For example, if your mindset has been “I need to have a lunch meeting with him,” try this new thought “I get to connect with him at lunch today.” Or instead of dinner at home meaning “that time that everyone gets fed,” what if it represented “that time when we share our victories, defeats, curiosities, and new learning of the day with each other”?
Body
Once you have your mind on board, a bit of practical change might be necessary to put this into practice. To that end, it is no simpler and no more complicated that this – you must prioritize eating with others. Let’s consider your family as an example of who you may want to share more meals with. (Hint Hint) In order to do this you may need to make several changes. First is being present, I mean literally being home. So, don’t end your appointment calendar at quitting time, but actually schedule into your calendar mealtime with your family. And don’t ignore breakfast as a possible meal to spend together. When you are with others, location familiarity encourages relaxation and open communication. Therefore, eat together at home routinely or at the same restaurant if you can. And do whatever you can to eliminate distractions – televisions, cell phones, waitresses and other people. If you are already cringing at the idea of leaving your cell phone in a different room with the ringer off for the dinner hour, please allow me to direct your attention back to your new mindset of why you are even endeavoring to do this – to connect with the people at the table with you.
Spirit
As already indicated, sharing meals is good for our well being. It is also an essential element of the scenes scripture paints for us of the early Christians in the book of Acts. “And they devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers” (Acts, 2:42). “And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts” (Acts 2:46). Furthermore, listen to the activity that God tells us to look forward to in our eternal life with him. “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me” (Revelation 3:20). And “blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb” (Revelation 19:9). Our deeply felt needs for security, happiness and love are essential parts of our relationship with food. Therefore, it’s no wonder that God integrates food into the Christian model of community and our relationship with Him.
Challenge
One day and forever after we will dine with Christ, our Bridegroom. Until that day, how can each of us better use the gift of sharing meals to glorify God and enjoy Him?
Wishing you good health – mind, body, and spirit.
In Him,
Heather Clark, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist, PY 7620
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[i] http://www.casacolumbia.org/addiction-research/reports/importance-of-family-dinners-2012
[ii] http://www.casacolumbia.org/addiction-research/reports/importance-of-family-dinners-2011
[iii] http://www.casacolumbia.org/newsroom/press-releases/2010-family-dinners-report-finds
[iv] Don’t hide your happiness! Positive emotion dissociation, social connectedness, and psychological functioning. Mauss, I.B., Shallcross, A.J., Troy, A., et al. University of Denver, Denver. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2011 Apr; 100(4): 738-48