(Minister Well Newsletter, March 2017)
These first two directives in James 1:19 – “be quick to listen, slow to speak” – are more difficult and more often needed for most of us than the last instruction of this verse – “slow to become angry.” It doesn’t take deep study of scripture to follow the step-by-step of this verse – if I focus on listening, then I will speak with more intentionality, and any anger will be tempered and well considered…and likely defused through healthy communication of good listening and responding. So, this month let’s focus on the thinking and emotion required to improve listening and delay speaking.
Mind
Although I was never taught that my psychology degree also gave me psychic powers, I find that people often assign this ability to members of my profession. And all too often, counselors fall prey to believing this of themselves…. but admit it, you think you know what other people are thinking too. Just think about your last disagreement with your own spouse or child. We all jump to conclusions, especially if we have a really great zinger of a point to make! In order to be quick to listen and slow to speak, we must change our mindset that we know everything in the other person’s head and heart, that we fully understand their motives, that we don’t need to know the details, and so on. We must adopt a new and frankly respectful and loving position of valuing this individual’s perspective, being curious about how they think, desiring to respond to the reality of what they said not what we “know they meant.” Be curious, rather than presumptuous.
Body
Listen with everything you’ve got! Nonverbal communication conveys twice as much information as verbal communication. As you listen to another person consider what you are conveying through your posture, undivided attention (e.g., not checking your cell phone or computer), gestures, facial expressions, eye contact (eyes are the windows to the soul), personal distance, showing of emotion, movement and body posture, or even your clothing. Let me encourage you to read that list again and earnestly contemplate how you are or might incorporate each of these aspects into what you are communicating as you listen to others. As Ralph Waldo Emerson warns “What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say.” Before you begin to speak, be very intentional in how you listen. Listen with your whole being.
Spirit
Good listening is not merely a useful counseling technique it is crucial to our relationships with others and with God. Hear the words of Psalm 116:1-2 – “I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.” The psalmist emphasizes that we count on and take comfort in God listening to us. We also grow and learn through listening, rather than through speaking. People who are good listeners (particularly listening to the word of God) are self-controlled, patient, and well equipped and informed to act. We should all heed the wisdom of Proverbs 18:13 – “He who answers a matter before he hears it, It is folly and shame to him.” What a blessing it would be to provide a safe environment for someone to talk as well as having patience to hear them before we attempt to speak into the life of another. To paraphrase the note in my study bible, active listening promotes peace, harmony, and righteous living in the Christian community
Challenge
Do you listen in a way that reflects Christ’s patience, peace and love? Self-check: How could you fine-tune your listening skills either in what you think, what you do, or what you believe?
Wishing you good health – mind, body, and spirit.
In Him,
Heather Clark, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist, PY 7620