(Minister Well Newsletter, October 2017)
I recall the role-play in graduate school in which I sat facing my professor at the front of the class, while the professor played the role of a “client” and flirted with me in a mock counseling session. By the way, my “client” was my mentor, which made the overtures even more unsettling for me. The awkward and eye-opening lesson was that by the very nature of counselors doing their job well (e.g., empathizing, accepting the person, providing emotional safety, listening attentively), the people they serve might find themselves more attracted to the counselor than would typically be the case. My job was to keep my composure as the counselor, value the “client” (AKA, my professor), and gently but firmly help the “client” process those feelings of attraction within the safety of a healthy boundaried relationship.
The lesson our professor was teaching us about attraction within the counseling setting holds true for ministry folks as well. By virtue of expressing genuine empathy, emotional availability, warmth, unconditional acceptance of people, and focused attention, ministry leaders are attractive individuals. And it is understandable why people want more of that type of attention. I don’t mean exclusively a sexual attraction either, as spending time with the type of person I just described may be more generally enticing than spending time with one’s own feuding family, difficult friends, challenging work colleagues, or internal struggles. Rather than go deal with the problems that an individual has come to you about, a person could very easily and unintentionally simply enjoy the time with you in the cozy confines of safe and unconditional acceptance. And just like that, you have become part of the problem rather than a helper to the solution. You have become the answer, rather than helping them find the answer.
So, how can you be a warm and genuine individual that people can come to, while maintaining healthy boundaries for you and for them?
Mind
Well, as much as I just expressed how attractive you are, the first step in maintaining healthy boundaries is to realize that “it’s just the uniform.” Sorry to burst your bubble. In all sincerity though, it’s vital to recognize that unhealthy or inappropriate attraction on the part of the other person is in part fueled by a misperception that you are always the fully attentive, thoroughly empathic, unbiased listener that they interact with in your counseling meetings. Hopefully you are genuinely those ways to a great degree, but let’s be honest… are you that way 24/7, with your spouse, your friends, service folks that come to your home, wait staff, police who ticket you, and business associates? Probably not. So keep humility in mind, and be quick to let your counselee’s know this also if they ever seem to picture a glow around you. Youth pastors, senior pastors, bible study leaders, maintenance crew, nursery volunteers – all servants and care providers can be put on a pedestal that eventually hurts both the person and the one they topple over on.
Body
Consider your body… but not too much. Huh? What I mean is, consider how much you are considering your body. Are you especially mindful of wearing something that looks nice on you when you meet with certain people? How about cologne or perfume? Do you sit differently, perhaps closer or with a more open posture? Or maybe it’s the opposite. Maybe you notice that you cover up more both with clothing and with posture when you meet with certain people. All of these are cues that you detect an attraction, whether on the part of the congregant or your own attraction to them (a topic for another day). Be aware of your non-verbal behavior. Even a handshake can be more than a handshake. A wink as part of their speech pattern is no longer just a wink, particularly if you suspect the congregant member is attracted to you.
Spirit
“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23). In other words, remember whose you are and who you represent. We are to make Jesus attractive in how we reflect Him. Therefore, we will be people of integrity and encourage others to be attracted to Christ if we point to Him rather than accept flattery in our humanity. According to scripture, the heart is the seat of intellect, emotion, and religious and moral activity (notes in the Reformation Study Bible Proverbs 2:2). Where is your heart when you come alongside members of your flock? I leave you with these words from James:
“Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such wisdom does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.” (3:13-18)
Challenge
Be mindful of how you accept a compliment or flattery. Don’t miss the opportunity to point to God as the creator of any good in you. And, guard healthy boundaries (i.e., your heart) with kindness, understanding, and acceptance of the individual.
Wishing you good health – mind, body, and spirit.
In Him,
Heather Clark, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist, PY 7620
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