(Minister Well Newsletter, April 2018)
Whether you know it or not, 100% of us are control freaks. And by “us” I mean people. We want what we want when we want it. We certainly seek to eliminate uncertainty in our lives. And, frankly, we struggle with God’s sovereignty because it means someone else is in control of our life. Reflect on Adam and Eve for a moment. Satan tempted them into falling by promising that they could have control and authority equal to their Maker. And Adam and Eve, just like each of us, actually believed that would be a good thing! It’s really a ludicrous thought, but we all are tempted to believe in various ways and to various degrees that it would be ideal for us to be in control.
It is this very need to be in unhealthy control that is the downfall of many parents, leaders, ministry leaders, and ministries. Are you someone, or do you know someone, who holds on so tightly to the reigns that the workhorses are prevented from moving forward? Is it more important that the ministry showcases how great your leadership is than how amazing God is? Does your anxiety about doing “it” right eliminate all possibilities of enjoying or allowing others to enjoy. In contrast, think of the occasions in your own life and those in scripture in which God made beauty from ordinary, perfection in weakness, and miracles from “mistakes.” Indeed, the calling of a ministry leader is not to “do” ministry to reflect their individual expertise or to micromanage people into submitting to their will, rather their calling is to equip and encourage others to use their gifts.
“And He personally gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, some pastors and teachers, for the training of the saints in the work of ministry, to build up the body of Christ, until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of God’s Son, growing into a mature man with a stature measured by Christ’s fullness.” ~ Ephesians 4:11-13
Mind
I recognize that my previous questions were a bit loaded and no one wants to admit to being a control freak. So, let me offer a solution. There is a therapeutic technique that is of great use in helping us challenge our unhealthy desire to control. The therapeutic question to ask oneself is “what’s the worst that will happen (if things don’t go according to my plan)?” For example, what is the worst that will happen if this sermon falls short, if the event isn’t well attended, if the volunteers drop the ball, if the big donor decides to leave the church, or if people see my imperfections (no, no I mean the real ones)? When you follow those thoughts through with the follow up question of “and then what?” then we generally find that the unwanted outcome we are working so hard to prevent by controlling is completely survivable. So the questions we are finally left with are “what is my God-given role here?” and “am I really willing to trust that God’s will is better than my own?” We preach it to one another but do we believe it in our own daily insecurities and fears of not being in control?
Body
Going through the exercise of considering the worst that can happen if we loosen up on the reigns, as well as resting in the thought of “not my will but [His] will be done,” results in changed behaviors and relationships. For example, when we use healthier thoughts we will allow the preschool volunteers to conduct the provided lesson with their own creative spin. Or, the women’s decorating committee will be given the freedom needed for their vision of beauty to come to life. And pastors will intentionally relinquish their pulpit on occasion to sit in their own congregations and be fed, without fear of losing their position. In short, the Christian community will thrive as well as the watching world if we remember that God has ordained for each Christian to be instrumental to the body as a whole. Oh how we impede this when we ignore or bind up some parts of the body. A ministry leader’s God-given job is to train up others in the work of ministry and build up the body of Christ.
There is a documentary/reality show that follows the training environment and techniques of a junior college head football coach in the middle of no-where. He takes in players who have incredible potential on the field but who have made some mistakes off the field. Those mistakes lost them positions in more well known football programs. The coach sees the gifts in them, where most people see only the liabilities. This football program is now known for turning out incredible athletes that find desirable positions in college and professional football leagues. All across the nation, they take with them the skills, dedication, and knowledge that they gleaned from this coach. What’s more, they make it because that junior college coach took a risk knowing that the player could screw up again, that they could ruin the coach’s program and season, and in coaching that means that the coach could lose his job. Are we willing to coach rather than be on the field for every play? Do you genuinely want to see someone else make the touchdown or interception? After training and equipping, it ultimately requires giving him or her the ball and trusting God’s plan.
Spirit
What does it take spiritually to relinquish control? Nothing more and nothing less than faith. When we place our faith in our colleagues, volunteers, financial security, or even ourselves, we should have anxiety and dread. But when we put our faith in God and His plan… I mean really let go of our grip on control… then he promises to fill our open hands and hearts with peace (Phil. 4:6-7). Have you ever had someone in your life, probably your parents, ask you to trust them even though something bad seems to be unavoidable (e.g., like getting an injection or moving to a new school)? God asks us to trust Him with a 100% guarantee that it will all be fine according to His perfect plan. As we see in Romans 8:28 “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” As ministry leaders, it may sometimes be easier to believe this in the big picture, but forget to apply this truth in the daily details.
Challenge
-Challenge your fearful and controlling thoughts as explained above.
-Be intentional in basking in the safety and serenity of God’s plan while you let go of something you have held onto too tightly.
-Be on the lookout for how you can equip and encourage the body of Christ, rather than trying to be the whole body.
Wishing you good health – mind, body, and spirit.
In Him,
Heather Clark, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist, PY 7620
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