(Minister Well Newsletter, May 2018)
As a social butterfly, serving as women’s ministry director was a thrill for me! Never before had I been in touch with so many women on a weekly basis. I had more lunch invitations than I knew what to do with. Several hundred people had my personal cell phone number, and I was delighted that many women used it. And yet… I felt disconnected from my longtime friends and lonely for my deepest friendships. I was so busy serving and including everyone at church that I was neglecting to connect deeply with my close friends. Can you relate? Many ministry leaders can.
It’s not a bad thing to be inclusive; in fact, that is part of our role as representatives of Christ and specifically as ministry leaders. I recently read a book by Bob Goff entitled Everybody Always: Becoming Love in a World Full of Setbacks and Difficult People. The title states the premise of the book. The book is fantastic and I highly recommend it! We know that we are to love everybody always, but we sometimes fail to follow Jesus’ example of protecting time with our inner circle. Surely, Jesus loves everybody always; simultaneously, in his earthly ministry he had his posse (i.e., the 12 disciples), close friends (e.g., Mary, Martha, Lazarus, Mary Magdalene), and best friends (i.e., Peter, James, and John). If we follow his example, we too can strive to love everybody always, while also nourishing our closest relationships.
Mind
Perhaps this thought sounds all-too-familiar to you– “I must be available to all people all the time”? Okay, even if you won’t admit thinking it, does your behavior indicate agreement with this unhealthy thought? It would be understandable, given the long-standing belief among ministry leaders and congregants that touts with a strange and misguided sense of pride “ministry is a 24/7 calling.” Instead though, let’s look again to the ultimate example of a good ministry leader – Jesus. During his walk amongst us, Jesus made it clear that he could simultaneously love everyone and take time to be with specific people. He did not conform to the thinking of this world that he had to heal everyone, that he personally had to preach to everyone, or that he was at the beck and call of his people (remember when he was summoned because Lazarus was dying). He also seemed to feel perfectly comfortable being selective among his friends, not always inviting everyone to join him. And, at the end of his life, Jesus made it very clear that he cared deeply about the welfare of his mother (as different than other people he knew) and he trusted John to care for her (setting John apart as a more familial friend to Jesus). These few examples should destroy any unhealthy standard that we hold others or ourselves to that ministry leaders are to relate to everyone the same and be available to everyone at all times. Instead, ministry leaders are to follow Jesus’ example of feeding the masses and nurturing their own close relationships that help sustain them in their calling.
Body
Trained as a health psychologist, I generally am more moved in my behavior by scientific evidence than feel-good Hallmark movies. Assuming that you are of the same mind, let me share with you the health benefits that you may not be aware of that correlate with strong social support. “Adults with strong social support have a reduced risk of many significant health problems, including depression, high blood pressure and an unhealthy body mass index (BMI).”[i] What? The health of our social life is correlated with how overweight we are? That’s incredible! We know from experience that having real friends is a buffer for stress and difficult times. Likewise, friends enhance celebrations in our lives. The benefits of true friendship are objectively measurable in our mental and physical health.
Knowing that it is good for us, how can we tap into the resource of friendship? The number one thing you can do, that I failed to do when I was so deep in with women’s ministry, is prioritize friendships. To do that you have to make yourself available to those close to you with the same dedication that you may have been reserving only for your job or role at the church. Look at your calendar and take note of how often you have social time scheduled. I’m referring to social time that is purely for the sake of the friendship or the family relationship. Is there social time scheduled that you would engage in even if you were not a ministry leader? Are there any changes you would like to make to that calendar to better prioritize this aspect of your life? I realize that this may seem a bit harsh, but please consider this – the church is not going to protect your family time or your friendships for you. They (the church) love you and want more of you. Prioritizing your friends and family is up to you, just as it was up to Jesus.
Spirit
From the beginning of mankind, God noted that it is not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18). He also tells us in His Word that two are better than one (Ecclesiastes 4:9) because we can rely on one another (Ecclesiastes 4:10). And even more convincing of the vitality of friendships to our soul, we know that where two are joined in Christian fellowship and love, the Holy Spirit completes a threefold cord of unity and strength with them (Matthew 18:20). Christ himself will enter into our times of friendship, just as he did in his earthly ministry with his dearest friends. God loves and is in His Triune nature relational; therefore, He tells us to be relational just as He himself is deeply relational. To be more Christ-like and feel His presence through our friendships, let that be our motivation for prioritizing our closest relationships.
Challenge
Remind yourself often of Jesus’ example of loving everybody always while nurturing his close relationships.
Prioritize your close relationships by scheduling time with them.
Draw closer to God as the Holy Spirit makes his presence known through your time with friends.
Wishing you good health – mind, body, and spirit.
In Him,
Heather Clark, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist, PY 7620
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