(Minister Well Newsletter, May 2017)
In the previous edition of Minister Well we discussed the listening attitude and demeanor necessary to come alongside someone who is walking through a difficult trial. Those “people skills” are quite significant to establishing the other individual’s trust, your self-confidence, and a healthy relationship. Now we continue the discussion of how to enter into someone’s life by asking him or her an often-neglected question – “Why are you here?”
Have you ever been to a highly recommended healthcare provider and left the appointment with a prescription in your hand thinking, “That is not even why I went to see him in the first place?” It’s frustrating isn’t it? And you still have the original health concern that needs to be addressed. Likewise, I can’t tell you how often someone has shared their story of being “diagnosed” with a mental illness, character flaw, or relationship judgment by someone (who may not have the license or authority to diagnose at all) who has only spent a few minutes with them. Often the person goes on to dispense wisdom and advice, still without ever hearing the actual concern. Even if you think you have the answers and know what is best for the person who has chosen to confide in you, what would it require of you to allow them to say why they are meeting with you before you jump to “diagnosing” and problem-solving?
Mind
One necessary change may be how you think of yourself. Think of yourself as an unbiased detective who is trying to gather information before drawing any conclusions (if you are old enough to recall the television character Columbo, he is an ideal example of this skill). Take a perspective of empathic curiosity. As the person tells their story, you want to ascertain from them why they are sharing this personal information with you? Perhaps it is because you know them so well, or the exact opposite. Perhaps they are sharing because you are a Christian and that carries a particular meaning to them in the present trial. Maybe someone else recommended you – but you still want to know why, specifically? Or it could be that some third-party has required them to talk with you. Finding the answer to why someone has come to you also means discovering what he or she is hoping to gain. Our default tends to be an assumption that the person wants us to solve the problem. But acting too quickly is strongly discouraged. The individual may just want to be heard, may want you to pray with them, may be properly utilizing you to get a referral to someone else, may be just appeasing someone else, or may be trying to “fix” someone who isn’t even in the room. In sum, allow the other person to tell their story their way for their purpose.
Body
In this period of assessment, there is a physical demeanor that is conducive to eliciting this information. Try to picture in your mind’s eye the posture, facial expression, focus, and stillness of someone who is completely engrossed in what another person is saying. It’s the way that incredible kindergarten teachers are enthralled with the stories of their 5-year-olds students. And it is the intensity with which a football player blocks out the cacophony of the fans and hones in on the words spoken in the huddle. For you to offer this kind of listening to another person means that a safe and distraction-free environment is preferable. “Safe” includes physical elements such as meeting in a private location, having someone else present or nearby (particularly if you are meeting with someone of the opposite sex), and physically being on the “same level” as the individual (as discussed in April 2017 edition of Minister Well). “Distraction-free” is accomplished on your end by putting away your cell phone, not engaging with other people during the meeting, making good eye contact, and eliminating other stimuli that tend to call your attention away. Make it clear through your actions that you want to hear their story.
Spirit
In order to get out of the way enough to let other people tell their story, a spirit of humility is necessary. God put it so elegantly in Proverbs 18:13 “He who answers before listening – that is his folly and his shame.” Shame is an emotion of humiliation resulting from our awareness of our own foolish or wrong behavior. Oh how our Heavenly Father loves us as a protective parent loves a child when He tells us not to assume. Some Biblical wisdom only tells us what to do or what not to do. But, here the consequence of speaking before listening is made clear…shame or embarrassment. Isn’t it interesting that to avoid humiliation we would do well to act with a good measure of humility? Therefore, as you mull over if it is worth it to you, if you have time in your schedule, and if it really makes a difference to let the other person tell their own story their own way, consider how exercising humility may grow you and protect you from your own misstep and embarrassment.
Challenge
Look for opportunities to practice the spiritual humility, physical demeanor, and empathic curiosity that will help others tell their own story.
Wishing you good health – mind, body, and spirit.
In Him,
Heather Clark, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist, PY 7620